IS LOVE FOR SALE

A Short Play by Gabe Onwu Uko

CHARACTERS

David

Elizabeth

Flora

Coulibaly

L      (A huge gate to a cream -painted flat is flung opened. A beautiful Lady in tight fitting blue jeans appears with her Gucci handbag. After a few strides, she looks at her watch and wonders if Taxis drivers would ply Freedom Avenue this day.Suddenly, David emerges from his hideout)

DAVID: Ma Chérie, Mademoiselle bebe, My sugar, my network, ma compasses, my Wifi my recharge card, My ...

ELIZABETH: Arrette ca!Point of correction. Who is your Baby and all that rubbish? Haii, Pourquoi tu me deranger cet midi comme ca? Do you always keep vigil at this vicinity? Ya quoi meme? Your French cannot take you anywhere.

DAVID: You are always in a hurry. I no longer understand you (he adjusts his sun glasses in a stylistic manner and stretches his right foot to reveal his new footwear)   I simply want to let you know that this love of ours is not ordinary. It has been ordained by Jah from heaven (pointing to the sky) and very soon will be signed into law.Thereafter,I shall take you  to the moon for our honeymoon. If only you give me your heart, Baby.

ELIZABETH: Tchei! Toi encore? This parasite! You don’t even know the road to a woman’s heart yet you dream of taking her to the moon. If you admire me, there is always a right thing to do and the best road to follow. There is no longer peace in this neighbourhood because of your presence. See the effect of joblessness in you? (Aside)Oh my God, I am not prepared for this rag tag.

DAVID: Please leave that traditional and barbaric mumbo jumbo speech. We are in the modern era and ought to use modern expressions. All I ask is just a morceau of your love. Baby do you realise that this life is too short to be indecisive in matters of the heart?

ELIZABETH: Matters of the heart indeed! Has your Mother ever taught you anything about approaching a lady? (She giggles and touches her hair to reveal her right eye partially hidden)

DAVID: Like what? By the way, keep my mother out of this or...

ELIZABETH: Or WHAT? Grow up or go back and suck her breasts. Why am I wasting my precious time with this imbecile and circus monkey?

DAVID: Haa? Baby you are insulting me, you know? As I was saying, I swear, I can even drink acid or rat poison to prove my love for you.

ELIZABETH: Ah boh? Then what are you waiting for? Your ancestors will be happy to receive a new member in their territory.

DAVID: You know that I love you. I will do anything humanly possible for you Eliza my Baby. I am ready to go to any length and even climb the highest mountain to prove my love for you. Baby. Can’t you see it in my eyes?

(moves closer to hug Elizabeth but she repels him and adjusts her tight-fitting shirt)

ELIZABETH: Love? There he goes again. When will you wake up from your fantasy? Isn’t it high time you read between lines? Love goes beyond mumbling some poetic lines or being lost in a world of dreams. I am not even moved by your new appearance. All I can see is a confused hungry cockroach in borrowed second hand suit (she hisses).

DAVID: Are you referring to my Italian made suit and shoes that can stand the taste of time? This wristwatch, IPod and golden necklace will speak for themselves. I am fully loaded.

ELIZABETH: What I see before is a full blown he-goat on heat. But I am not one of your victims.

(Flora emerges from the opposite direction to join her friend but is not amused by the presence of David)

FLORA: LI baby (she addresses Elizabeth), what are you doing with this thing and what is he looking for?

ELIZABETH: Flo, ask him. He has mouth.

FLORA: Ehen! Mr Lover boy, what do you want from my aspiring Miss World?

I’m glad you have just called me Lover Boy. What does a charming prince and hopefully a future President want from a girl like her?

FLORA: Hiaaa! He calls himself a Prince and presidential aspirant. Are we dreaming?

DAVID: Three people cannot have the same dream at the same spot on the same day if I may put it to you.

(all of a sudden Elizabeth’s phone rings, out comes the music’s will always love you’ and she quickly picks it)

ELIZABETH: Sweetheart, when are you coming? I am missing you so much that I wish you were here to hold me in your arms.

(David is upset and demands to know the caller).

DAVID: Who is on the phone with you? Isn’t that a male voice? Are you dating someone? Why this embarrassment? I get it! Can I see that phone?

ELIZABETH: The phone you bought for me? Take your filthy hands off my phone.(she wrestles with David and the latter gives her back the handset) I advise you to reserve your questions for your future wife because I am not your candidate.

DAVID: You have been going out with someone else then?

FLORA:  Technically No, but…..em…I mean .if you are wise enough to approach this issue that way. The answer may not be implausible. There are other fishes in the river. My Elizabeth is not ready to be a widow in her twenties.

DAVID: what? How do you mean?

ELIZABETH: Monsieur David, read between the lines. If you could meet the conditions set before you, then we can talk about love.

DAVID: What are they?

(Flora jumps in)

FLORA: Li Baby, go on. He needs to hear the truth today. Give it to him.

ELIZABETH: My needs are not much. I need a car for running around, I need some money to pay my siblings school fees, my mother needs some money to go for cancer operation in India, My Father’s house needs renovation and we need to change our wardrobe. If you can afford these simple things, we can begin from somewhere.

DAVID: Good Heavens! Has someone placed a price tag on you? Isn’t love a free gift? Now I have to buy love?

ELIZABETH: Your questions are rhetorical. Open your eyes and flow with the wave. The Man I just spoke with has promised to do all those things and so has won my heart. Lest I forget, Flora here is in charge of our wedding arrangements.

Holds his head with his two palms, turns around and suddenly changes his posture but snaps his two fingers as he would occasionally do when beckoning his dog

DAVID: Ahaa… I knew it but I was so foolish not to have joined the dots over the years.

ELIZABETH: It is never too late to do so.  At some point in life, someone needs to move a step ahead. Besides, I don’t want to change my name to Miss Perpetual poverty.

DAVID:  He is buying you with his money but sooner or later you will regret everything.

(At this juncture his David’s friend Coulibaly alights from a Motorbike runs towards him).

COULIBALY: They are coming; they are coming with two Policemen to arrest you?

DAVID: Arrest me for what?

COULIBALY: First, I need my ipad and necklace back.Secondly, Bako told the Police that you took his clothes and new shoes without informing him.If they meet you here,we have no money for your funerals.Take my advice.

DAVID: Keep your voice down before you disgrace me in front of these girls.

ELIZABETH AND FLORA: Aha, Oh No. We have heard everything. Just as we earlier suspected. Lover Boy in borrowed clothes! Shame! Shame! Shame on you! (The two ladies guffaw while Coulibaly drags David away before his advancing killers).

CURTAIN