Our Worst Enemy - NaijaStories.com

Our Worst Enemy - NaijaStories.com

                                               IS LOVE FOR SALE

A Short Play by Gabe Onwu Uko

CHARACTERS

David

Elizabeth

Flora

Coulibaly

L      (A huge gate to a cream -painted flat is flung opened. A beautiful Lady in tight fitting blue jeans appears with her Gucci handbag. After a few strides, she looks at her watch and wonders if Taxis drivers would ply Freedom Avenue this day.Suddenly, David emerges from his hideout)

DAVID: Ma Chérie, Mademoiselle bebe, My sugar, my network, ma compasses, my Wifi my recharge card, My ...

ELIZABETH: Arrette ca!Point of correction. Who is your Baby and all that rubbish? Haii, Pourquoi tu me deranger cet midi comme ca? Do you always keep vigil at this vicinity? Ya quoi meme? Your French cannot take you anywhere.

DAVID: You are always in a hurry. I no longer understand you (he adjusts his sun glasses in a stylistic manner and stretches his right foot to reveal his new footwear)   I simply want to let you know that this love of ours is not ordinary. It has been ordained by Jah from heaven (pointing to the sky) and very soon will be signed into law.Thereafter,I shall take you  to the moon for our honeymoon. If only you give me your heart, Baby.

ELIZABETH: Tchei! Toi encore? This parasite! You don’t even know the road to a woman’s heart yet you dream of taking her to the moon. If you admire me, there is always a right thing to do and the best road to follow. There is no longer peace in this neighbourhood because of your presence. See the effect of joblessness in you? (Aside)Oh my God, I am not prepared for this rag tag.

DAVID: Please leave that traditional and barbaric mumbo jumbo speech. We are in the modern era and ought to use modern expressions. All I ask is just a morceau of your love. Baby do you realise that this life is too short to be indecisive in matters of the heart?

ELIZABETH: Matters of the heart indeed! Has your Mother ever taught you anything about approaching a lady? (She giggles and touches her hair to reveal her right eye partially hidden)

DAVID: Like what? By the way, keep my mother out of this or...

ELIZABETH: Or WHAT? Grow up or go back and suck her breasts. Why am I wasting my precious time with this imbecile and circus monkey?

DAVID: Haa? Baby you are insulting me, you know? As I was saying, I swear, I can even drink acid or rat poison to prove my love for you.

ELIZABETH: Ah boh? Then what are you waiting for? Your ancestors will be happy to receive a new member in their territory.

DAVID: You know that I love you. I will do anything humanly possible for you Eliza my Baby. I am ready to go to any length and even climb the highest mountain to prove my love for you. Baby. Can’t you see it in my eyes?

(moves closer to hug Elizabeth but she repels him and adjusts her tight-fitting shirt)

ELIZABETH: Love? There he goes again. When will you wake up from your fantasy? Isn’t it high time you read between lines? Love goes beyond mumbling some poetic lines or being lost in a world of dreams. I am not even moved by your new appearance. All I can see is a confused hungry cockroach in borrowed second hand suit (she hisses).

DAVID: Are you referring to my Italian made suit and shoes that can stand the taste of time? This wristwatch, IPod and golden necklace will speak for themselves. I am fully loaded.

ELIZABETH: What I see before is a full blown he-goat on heat. But I am not one of your victims.

(Flora emerges from the opposite direction to join her friend but is not amused by the presence of David)

FLORA: LI baby (she addresses Elizabeth), what are you doing with this thing and what is he looking for?

ELIZABETH: Flo, ask him. He has mouth.

FLORA: Ehen! Mr Lover boy, what do you want from my aspiring Miss World?

I’m glad you have just called me Lover Boy. What does a charming prince and hopefully a future President want from a girl like her?

FLORA: Hiaaa! He calls himself a Prince and presidential aspirant. Are we dreaming?

DAVID: Three people cannot have the same dream at the same spot on the same day if I may put it to you.

(all of a sudden Elizabeth’s phone rings, out comes the music’s will always love you’ and she quickly picks it)

ELIZABETH: Sweetheart, when are you coming? I am missing you so much that I wish you were here to hold me in your arms.

(David is upset and demands to know the caller).

DAVID: Who is on the phone with you? Isn’t that a male voice? Are you dating someone? Why this embarrassment? I get it! Can I see that phone?

ELIZABETH: The phone you bought for me? Take your filthy hands off my phone.(she wrestles with David and the latter gives her back the handset) I advise you to reserve your questions for your future wife because I am not your candidate.

DAVID: You have been going out with someone else then?

FLORA:  Technically No, but…..em…I mean .if you are wise enough to approach this issue that way. The answer may not be implausible. There are other fishes in the river. My Elizabeth is not ready to be a widow in her twenties.

DAVID: what? How do you mean?

ELIZABETH: Monsieur David, read between the lines. If you could meet the conditions set before you, then we can talk about love.

DAVID: What are they?

(Flora jumps in)

FLORA: Li Baby, go on. He needs to hear the truth today. Give it to him.

ELIZABETH: My needs are not much. I need a car for running around, I need some money to pay my siblings school fees, my mother needs some money to go for cancer operation in India, My Father’s house needs renovation and we need to change our wardrobe. If you can afford these simple things, we can begin from somewhere.

DAVID: Good Heavens! Has someone placed a price tag on you? Isn’t love a free gift? Now I have to buy love?

ELIZABETH: Your questions are rhetorical. Open your eyes and flow with the wave. The Man I just spoke with has promised to do all those things and so has won my heart. Lest I forget, Flora here is in charge of our wedding arrangements.

Holds his head with his two palms, turns around and suddenly changes his posture but snaps his two fingers as he would occasionally do when beckoning his dog

DAVID: Ahaa… I knew it but I was so foolish not to have joined the dots over the years.

ELIZABETH: It is never too late to do so.  At some point in life, someone needs to move a step ahead. Besides, I don’t want to change my name to Miss Perpetual poverty.

DAVID:  He is buying you with his money but sooner or later you will regret everything.

(At this juncture his David’s friend Coulibaly alights from a Motorbike runs towards him).

COULIBALY: They are coming; they are coming with two Policemen to arrest you?

DAVID: Arrest me for what?

COULIBALY: First, I need my ipad and necklace back.Secondly, Bako told the Police that you took his clothes and new shoes without informing him.If they meet you here,we have no money for your funerals.Take my advice.

DAVID: Keep your voice down before you disgrace me in front of these girls.

ELIZABETH AND FLORA: Aha, Oh No. We have heard everything. Just as we earlier suspected. Lover Boy in borrowed clothes! Shame! Shame! Shame on you! (The two ladies guffaw while Coulibaly drags David away before his advancing killers).

CURTAIN

 LETTER FROM COTE D’IVOIRE 

By Gabe Onwu

There are days and memories you would like to keep forever....

      

 “ Ya place, Champion, Grand Pere, ya place, dedans, Montez, Montez,200cfs, Montez Avec la Monnaie” Apprenti (a learner or Bus conductor ), as he and his colleagues are popularly called, had his right leg thrown outside and his right hand stretched  like a puppet from Europe.He beckoned to some passengers who were stranded outside the popular Market of Adjame in the city of Abidjan. The chauffeur was busy trying to squeeze the last puff from a cigarette stick when a thug approached him for ‘Cadeau’ or tip for picking passengers at his territory. Obviously, the driver had to comply immediately to avoid the wrath of other thugs whose ranks and inconspicuous presence constitute a menace to the society. On a positive note, these Bus Stop thugs seemed to have legalised their status. Before now, they were pick pockets, muggers and bandits who were in the habit of denying passengers of their valuables. First came the storm that sent confused shoppers in all directions. Soon the sky opened and it began to pour like it had never done before. Was God angry? The sound of a thunderstorm could be likened to dynamites and explosives used by ‘our friends ‘who had in recent times spread their infamous crusade to destabilise some countries. Women with babies strapped to their backs battled very hard to keep their umbrellas in positions, but the storm overpowered them. Young ladies had their own troubles trying to keep their latest hairdos from flying off their greasy heads. Others struggled to hold some pieces of clothes that seemed to rhyme with the latest design or fashion in vogue at least according to their own judgement but disobeyed and exposed some sensitive parts of their body. A particular lady in her late twenties was on the ground for two minutes. Her shoes probably got tired of her huge weight and decided to go on strike. Three touts went to her rescue and took advantage of her situation to touch her and utter some romantic phrases ”Ma Cherie, désolé”, Tu as blessure? Poor lady! Had she any option?

Koffi and I went after a flying rickety Gbaka that had the inscription” DEIU MERCI”.A novice in French, that I would gladly admit  or I would admit my incompetence in the French language, but it became obvious that something was not right  with the inscription and so I protested silently and mumbled to myself ’DIEU or DEIU’?

Another one with the inscription ’Avec Dieu,, toute est possible’. ‘With God all is possible’. Yes, even our death. We hopped in. Come to think of it, a moment like this no one dared question if the moving corpse would make it to its destination. The killer engine that defiles all road signs and traffic lights. The Chauffeur shared his bit of madness when he almost crushed a student boy whose schoolbag was too heavy for him to carry. My excitement was cut short when I had to occupy a seat next to a lad who from all indications had probably not visited a bathroom for the past fifteen days. If he did, someone must have baptized him with a mixture of rotten eggs and some used water from the abattoir.I reached out for  a handkerchief beautifully designed by my ex-girlfriend to provide a temporary relief for my nose. When he noticed how uncomfortable I was, he asked”Ya quoi dedans, Quelle est ton problem?”I lied pointing at my head to indicate ‘a headache’ and quickly added ’Ma tete’. I chuckled and uttered few words in English. ‘Who is this celebrated sonofabitch with a certificate in bacteria emission Yes,?’.

“Moi.Je Suis pas speak l’anglais”. Aha! I got him and somehow challenged his incompetence as well. His red eyes and unfriendly face almost scared the hell out of me, but the presence of Koffi arrested the little fear in me almost immediately. Koffi’s Kungfu and boxing skills had won him fame in our neighbourhood, turned him to a cocky young man and a braggart.No one undermined his presence in the quartier (quarters).We got home and I had a quick bath at least to remove some stubborn virus that might have disrespected my body during the trip. I made for the kitchen and began to feed directly  from the pot that sat lazily on the cooker. Did I say my prayers before meals? The stubborn hunger in me was responsible for that laxity. All the same, I uttered some few words after the meals like a good Catholic to thank the Man upstairs. I had had a long day, therefore, my bedroom was the next destination. I forgot to switch off my radio. Of course, I had to replace the made in China batteries to keep me abreast with the latest gossips from the BBC World Service.

At daybreak, I had my bath and breakfast in haste. It was a special day and there was no way the events of that day could elude me so cheaply. I joined a train of irate football fans and supporters of Les Elephants and set out for the National Stadium some Kilometres away from where we lived. The excitement reverberated throughout all the Regions and districts. Streets wore new looks adorned with Orange, White and Green their National Colours. Along the route, we stopped to take some snapshots that would later remain our souvenirs of the Century. That month of April was significant in the lives of Ivoirians and indeed Africans who love the round leather game.

 The Stadium was not enough to accommodate hundreds of thousands of spectators and fans. Somehow my friend and I made our way into the Stadium. We met many Ivoirians who slept in the stadium just to catch the glimpse of the Newly crowned heroes or ‘ Roi de Afrique’ After five hours of waiting, the trophy finally arrived in a Motorcade. The golden trophy was jealously held out to the jubilant spectators by the President and the Captain of the National Team surrounded by Security Aides. On seeing the trophy, we all went agog. A juicy lady who stood very close to me jumped and hugged me from behind. She and I never knew each other from Adam. I was glad to get those hugs after so many years of observing canonical distance from such essentials. Before you blame me, we were in the celebration mood, so chapter closed....

To be continued.

A Bleeding Heart - NaijaStories.com

A Bleeding Heart - NaijaStories.com

A Bleeding Heart - NaijaStories.com

A Bleeding Heart - NaijaStories.com

POETRY

OUR WORST ENEMY

A dozen gun salutes rattled                                                       

My stomach, a war zone

Am I a confirmed carrier of ammunition?

Or ballistic missiles?

Unbearable and tortuous

Conference interrupted

Couldn’t you show some respect

To a respected public figure

At least before his audience?

Questions fell on deaf ears

Missiles reassembled, battalion on red alert

Like a professional athlete preparing for Olympics

I made for the other  office.

Tratatata,Yolatatatata,pram,pram, pram,proooooom!

In my groaning and whimpering,

I cursed the roadside food vendor

A premier suspect in my present predicament

The building about to come down, did I care?

Contents of my stomach emptied

Glad  that the intestines did not leave their duty post

Oh Diarrhoea! Oh Diarrhoea! Don’t ever visit me.